Oh. My. God.

If any of your friends tell you that they're going to buy and remodel a house, and that they've never done that before then please pass along these well chosen words of advice. YOU ARE INSANE - GO TO THE MOVIES IN YOUR FREE TIME LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. I hurt everywhere. Everywhere. I hurt in places that I didn't know had muscles.


We closed Wednesday and three agents, 57 signatures, two trees worth of paper and one fire alarm later, I became the proud owner of one helluva house. Friday my parents and I actually came over with a load of tools, grungy clothes, patio furniture (currently the only furniture) and an air mattress and settled in to work.

Here was our to-do list over the weekend:
1. Fix the leak under the sink
2. Fix the outspout from the waterheater as it doesn't actually drain outside the house but rather directly into the wall (clever).
3. Remove satelite dish and accompanying mile or so of thick black wire which is strung carefully over every surface of the house.
4. Patch holes in attic to protect from "varmints" (my inspector actually said the word "varmints" in a sentence)
5. Patch holes in screens

Here's what we actually did:
1. Located the leak, which is actually from the dishwasher, which we are learning is made entirely from irreplaceable parts. It is located, but not fixed.
2. Detached half of the wire from the satellite dish, and pulled it out of the drilled holes in the siding and walls. The actual dish itself required different tools than I had while I was on the roof, so I left the roof and then forgot about the dish. Hmmm.
3. Patched for varmints. Wouldn't want any varmints.
4. Ripped the carpet off the stairs - potentially the most vile and repulsive of all activities. Never again will I have carpet in a house. I don't think I can bear to look at other people's carpet. Do you know what's under there? Do you? The dirt from under the carpet weighed more than the carpet itself. Completely repulsive.
5. Vented frustrations with a crobar on all those damn little spikey things that they use around carpet edges to fasten them down. There are still miles of them, but at least they're off the stairs and out of the living room.
6. De-popcorned not one but two ceilings. TWO! This is potentially the second most disgusting job ever because first you spray everything with water, liberally coating yourself in the process, then you scrape a thick layer of goo that smells like a beverage room from a motel from the 1950s off the ceiling directly on to your person. Repeat.

Essentially we worked all weekend, managed to inflame or somehow aggravate every muscle in our collective bodies, and completed one out of five of our goal tasks. Awesome. I'm going to curl up on my air mattress in my sleeping bag and pretend I'm at the Hilton.